Forgiveness

 Forgiveness is hard.  As I write about my experiences with my toxic sibling (TS) all the memories flood back.   I am surprised to find that I need to forgive my mother.  I needed her protection and I still need it.  I need her to admit that TS has done horrible things to me.  She will not.  She only gives excuses.

I love my mother deeply.  She really is the nicest person I know, except when it comes to TS.  She has always put TS first...TS's kids first.....grandkids first.  She has never agreed with me about the abusive behavior, even though she very often suffers the abuse herself.  I think even more than me.  My children know they will never be first to their grandmother.  They choose to accept it in order to have a relationship.  I do too.

A few years ago, TS got angry with me.  She turned my family against me.  I virtually had no family.  I had my significant other and my children.  We weathered through after I cried rivers of tears.  After two years of no one speaking to me, TS showed up at my door needing money.  Without hesitation I gave it.  I will say that it was repaid shortly after.  Suddenly, since TS said it was fine to speak with me, they all came back into my life.  It was clear I was not to bring up what had happened.  TS was done, so let's pretend it didn't happen.  I felt a deep need to discuss what had happened to me....to us.  Nope.  Not allowed.  It damaged my relationship with my mother and I am not sure that we will ever have the same relationship we had.

So here we are again.  I have cut all ties with TS.  My mom is still making excuses for how they treated me.  There is no validation of my feelings.  And I need to forgive her.  I know she is weak willed and abused by TS.  It does not make my heart hurt any less.  I desperately want to forgive her for her weakness and favoritism.  I try to spend time with her and not mention TS.  We are not allowed to speak of the elephant in the room.

The first step I am taking is to process this discovery.  I really never realized that I need to not only forgive the abuser, but the one who facilitated it due to tacit approval.  I do not want to lose my relationship with my mother.  I love her so much.  I need to focus on accepting her for who she is. She will never talk about any of what I have suffered and she will never take my side.  She will always make excuses for TS.  Indeed, TS has also abused our other sister in the same toxic manner.  Once I fully accept those things, I can really forgive.  Baby steps.