The journey is not easy

 Cutting all ties with a sibling is hard not matter how toxic they are.  The fact of the matter is there are good memories as well as bad.  Unfortunately, there are more bad.  It does not make it easier.

One thing about this sibling is that they do not take any responsibility for any of their actions.  No matter how horrible they are to someone, that person (in the TS mind) deserved what they got.  There is no accountability, no guilt, no care about their actions.  That is something I have a hard time understanding.  I could not do mean things to another person without a care in the world.

Does Karma work?  I feel like this sibling just gets away with mean behavior without consequence.  How can that be?  I mentioned to my daughter that I hope TS gets hit with the Karma bus.  Her response was, "Mom, they are living their karma!  They have a dysfunctional life with a spouse who literally hates them.  In addition, their kids only speak to them when they want money."  All true.  Is that Karma?

I saw a quote that resonated with me today.

Shitty people do nice things sometimes

True story.  I have to accept that there were some good things, but also remember there were more bad.

Some people just need drama!

 So it has been 46 days since I severed all ties with my toxic sibling.  Actually, I am not counting, I had to look it up.  Almost every day something new comes to light about the toxic drama they create.  I can listen, but I no longer have to be a participant.  That feels good.  The further I am away from the drama, the better it feels.

It is interesting that once you step away from someone toxic, others start to come forward with their stories.  While that person is in your life, others are silent.  I have come to realize that I am not the only one who sees how toxic and drama driven this person is.  They have done some really shady 💩. Sadly, I think they will end up a bitter, lonely person with no one willing to be around them.  I guess you reap what you sow.

And moving right along

 

The opposite of love is not hate.  It is indifference.  When you reach the point when the actions of another truly do not matter to you, you have let go of the power of love.

I am not trying to say that I do not love my toxic sibling.  I will always have feelings for them.  But I do not love who they are, who they have become.  They are just plain mean and take pleasure from hurting others.  Indeed, I feel sorry for them.  They are sad and do not like themselves.  I do think one day they will have no one to turn to.  They will be alone with their hate and misery.

I have reached the point where I just do not care, honestly do not care, what TS does.  The fact that I have cut all means of contact makes it easier.  I do not have to know what they do.  I also do not ask.  

The other day my mother said TS was creating drama for my mom's birthday.  I felt bad that my mom was upset, but also told her we would do something fun and it just wasn't an issue.  At that moment I felt a sense of freedom from TS.  I did not care!

Validation

Sometimes we know what we are doing is right for us, but we need some sort of validation.  At least that I what I need.  I find myself pondering and questioning if I am being difficult or making more out of a situation than I should.

Today I went to get my hair done.  My hair dresser also does my mother's hair.  She commented to me that the only time we ever have drama in our lives, there is one person involved.  It was not a surprise that my toxic sibling is the one person she referred to.  It did validate my decision to remove them from my life.

Validation also serves me as a reminder to be strong and never relent, never give in.  

The cycle of guilt

 One thing I have to admit about myself is that I am easily guilted into things.  My kids know and use this fact often.  They do not do it with malice.   My TS, however, uses it and DOES do it with malice.  All.  The.  Time.  I am either stupid or have a soft heart.

We had a friendship group with whom we often went camping and boating.  We never had drama.  TS started to come to me literally crying that they wanted to hang out with us.  They did not have friends.  They wanted to do fun stuff.  I had a RZR so they had to get one.  I had an RV so they had to get one.....etc.  I finally felt so bad for TS that I allowed them into our friend group.  I was very nervous, rightfully so!  Within 2 months the drama...constant drama...started.  They would create the drama then act as the hero peacemaker to "fix" it.  Within a year our group fell apart.  In the center of all of it was TS!  They created so much drama and told so many lies that the couple we were closest to are no longer friends.  Suddenly, TS goes in and saves the day for that couple by now being their friend against the enemy (me).  It is what TS wanted all along.

People can hang out and be friends with whomever they want.  If TS were friends with the couple because they were all a better fit, I would not even care.  They used the most painful and hateful methods, said terrible things to me, to get what they wanted and that is what I take exception to.

Why they did that, I do not know.  I know they thrive on drama.

I know there will be a time when TS ill try to guilt me into allowing them back into my life.  I can't.  They will use my mother to guilt me:  it's hurting Mom....don't you care about Mom?....you are such a B##*^ to do this to Mom.  I love my mom but I can't give in.

Mental exhaustion

 Dealing with tension in a family is mentally exhausting.  I have a difficult time sleeping and extra tension only makes it worse.  Since all the drama started and I finally made steps to remove TS from my life, I have not been able to calm my mind enough to really sleep.  Last night I finally hit a wall. I slept for 10 hours.  Kinda a record from me.  I think it was the best possible medicine.  Today I feel great and look forward with optimism.  

The key to moving forward is to keep feeling good.  Keep my mind free of the drama.  Stay positive.  That is my new mantra!

Gratitude

 Finding peace is sometimes hard.  I reflect on the many great things in my life and can say my life is good.  Yes, there is that toxic intrusion, but I am working on letting that go.

When I look at the good, I can easily count my blessings.  My blessing are mostly in the form of people.

• I have three great daughters.  No one is perfect, not me or them, but  they are great.  They know that I love them and they love me.  They are my biggest supporters in dropping my toxic sibling from my life. 
• I have a wonderful partner in life.  Our relationship is sweet, fun, and healthy.  He is my favorite person to spend time with and I am his.  We are loving and peaceful.  We do not need anyone else.
• I have a relationship with my mother, who I love.  While there is a lot of tension in this relationship, we both want to mend it.  I pray every day that we can.
• I have a sweet sister.
• I have seven (almost 8) of the most amazing kids in this world who call me Oma.  There are no words for how much I love them.
• I have a good job.
• I have a home.
• I am happy.
• I have friends to hang out with.

All in all my life is good.  I do not want for anything really.

Looking at the list of my many blessings, I really focus on the healthy relationships.  I have had a rocky road with one of my daughters, but she has worked to get her life together.  All I want is for them all to be happy.  Truly happy.

I need to keep reminding myself of what I have and not on what I lost.  When I think about it, what did I lose?  Negativity, feeling small, random angry outbursts?  Why does it feel like a loss?  None of those are things I want in my life.  😕