And moving right along

 

The opposite of love is not hate.  It is indifference.  When you reach the point when the actions of another truly do not matter to you, you have let go of the power of love.

I am not trying to say that I do not love my toxic sibling.  I will always have feelings for them.  But I do not love who they are, who they have become.  They are just plain mean and take pleasure from hurting others.  Indeed, I feel sorry for them.  They are sad and do not like themselves.  I do think one day they will have no one to turn to.  They will be alone with their hate and misery.

I have reached the point where I just do not care, honestly do not care, what TS does.  The fact that I have cut all means of contact makes it easier.  I do not have to know what they do.  I also do not ask.  

The other day my mother said TS was creating drama for my mom's birthday.  I felt bad that my mom was upset, but also told her we would do something fun and it just wasn't an issue.  At that moment I felt a sense of freedom from TS.  I did not care!

Validation

Sometimes we know what we are doing is right for us, but we need some sort of validation.  At least that I what I need.  I find myself pondering and questioning if I am being difficult or making more out of a situation than I should.

Today I went to get my hair done.  My hair dresser also does my mother's hair.  She commented to me that the only time we ever have drama in our lives, there is one person involved.  It was not a surprise that my toxic sibling is the one person she referred to.  It did validate my decision to remove them from my life.

Validation also serves me as a reminder to be strong and never relent, never give in.  

The cycle of guilt

 One thing I have to admit about myself is that I am easily guilted into things.  My kids know and use this fact often.  They do not do it with malice.   My TS, however, uses it and DOES do it with malice.  All.  The.  Time.  I am either stupid or have a soft heart.

We had a friendship group with whom we often went camping and boating.  We never had drama.  TS started to come to me literally crying that they wanted to hang out with us.  They did not have friends.  They wanted to do fun stuff.  I had a RZR so they had to get one.  I had an RV so they had to get one.....etc.  I finally felt so bad for TS that I allowed them into our friend group.  I was very nervous, rightfully so!  Within 2 months the drama...constant drama...started.  They would create the drama then act as the hero peacemaker to "fix" it.  Within a year our group fell apart.  In the center of all of it was TS!  They created so much drama and told so many lies that the couple we were closest to are no longer friends.  Suddenly, TS goes in and saves the day for that couple by now being their friend against the enemy (me).  It is what TS wanted all along.

People can hang out and be friends with whomever they want.  If TS were friends with the couple because they were all a better fit, I would not even care.  They used the most painful and hateful methods, said terrible things to me, to get what they wanted and that is what I take exception to.

Why they did that, I do not know.  I know they thrive on drama.

I know there will be a time when TS ill try to guilt me into allowing them back into my life.  I can't.  They will use my mother to guilt me:  it's hurting Mom....don't you care about Mom?....you are such a B##*^ to do this to Mom.  I love my mom but I can't give in.

Mental exhaustion

 Dealing with tension in a family is mentally exhausting.  I have a difficult time sleeping and extra tension only makes it worse.  Since all the drama started and I finally made steps to remove TS from my life, I have not been able to calm my mind enough to really sleep.  Last night I finally hit a wall. I slept for 10 hours.  Kinda a record from me.  I think it was the best possible medicine.  Today I feel great and look forward with optimism.  

The key to moving forward is to keep feeling good.  Keep my mind free of the drama.  Stay positive.  That is my new mantra!

Gratitude

 Finding peace is sometimes hard.  I reflect on the many great things in my life and can say my life is good.  Yes, there is that toxic intrusion, but I am working on letting that go.

When I look at the good, I can easily count my blessings.  My blessing are mostly in the form of people.

• I have three great daughters.  No one is perfect, not me or them, but  they are great.  They know that I love them and they love me.  They are my biggest supporters in dropping my toxic sibling from my life. 
• I have a wonderful partner in life.  Our relationship is sweet, fun, and healthy.  He is my favorite person to spend time with and I am his.  We are loving and peaceful.  We do not need anyone else.
• I have a relationship with my mother, who I love.  While there is a lot of tension in this relationship, we both want to mend it.  I pray every day that we can.
• I have a sweet sister.
• I have seven (almost 8) of the most amazing kids in this world who call me Oma.  There are no words for how much I love them.
• I have a good job.
• I have a home.
• I am happy.
• I have friends to hang out with.

All in all my life is good.  I do not want for anything really.

Looking at the list of my many blessings, I really focus on the healthy relationships.  I have had a rocky road with one of my daughters, but she has worked to get her life together.  All I want is for them all to be happy.  Truly happy.

I need to keep reminding myself of what I have and not on what I lost.  When I think about it, what did I lose?  Negativity, feeling small, random angry outbursts?  Why does it feel like a loss?  None of those are things I want in my life.  😕

The other sibling

I have another sibling, younger than myself.  She is a really nice person.  She is that person who is just happy with her life.  She has a loving husband who treats her well and they have a healthy relationship.  She is very strong in her faith and looks for the best in everyone.  I love her.

My younger sister has her own pain from our toxic sibling (TS).  She has been abused and mistreated all her life as well.  I cannot speak for all her experiences.  That is her story to tell.  I have seen TS call her names and belittle her and humiliate her.  She takes a different approach than I.  She takes TS in small doses and loves them anyway.  

Perhaps it is the amount of time I am exposed to TS that makes it impossible for me to have small doses.  We live one street apart.  

TS not only belittles my younger sister to her face and in public, they also talk about her all the time behind her back.  They call her pathetic and a loser.  They despise her husband because he is not good enough.  They just have not one good thing to say about  my younger sister, but they act nice to her face.  Her husband is always treated like he doesn't belong.  TS always makes it seem that they are the better person even though they do these things.  For example:

Years ago my younger sister was going through a hard  time during a divorce.  She lived in poor conditions in another state.  My husband had recently passed away and I had room in my house so I invited her to stay with me.  TS went off on me.  They told me I was stupid, the other sister was a slob and lazy, that I would regret making such dumb decisions.  TS said I have better not expect help from them in supporting this loser.  Period.  I stood firm.  My younger sister came and got on her feet.  That is all she needed from me, a chance to get on her feet and start a new life.  On the flip side, TS told our younger sister that inviting her was the idea of TS and I was resistant to the idea and had to be talked into it.  Total lie.  That is how toxic people operate.

I ask myself why?  Why does this kind woman allow herself to be treated horribly?  Maybe my view is biased due to my experiences and she does not feel like it is that horrible.  Maybe after so many years of  TS she also overlooks the worst of it.  After much pondering, I realize that is her journey.  I have to love her for the wonderful person she is, and let the rest go. She will have to face her own battle, or not.

Forgiveness

 Forgiveness is hard.  As I write about my experiences with my toxic sibling (TS) all the memories flood back.   I am surprised to find that I need to forgive my mother.  I needed her protection and I still need it.  I need her to admit that TS has done horrible things to me.  She will not.  She only gives excuses.

I love my mother deeply.  She really is the nicest person I know, except when it comes to TS.  She has always put TS first...TS's kids first.....grandkids first.  She has never agreed with me about the abusive behavior, even though she very often suffers the abuse herself.  I think even more than me.  My children know they will never be first to their grandmother.  They choose to accept it in order to have a relationship.  I do too.

A few years ago, TS got angry with me.  She turned my family against me.  I virtually had no family.  I had my significant other and my children.  We weathered through after I cried rivers of tears.  After two years of no one speaking to me, TS showed up at my door needing money.  Without hesitation I gave it.  I will say that it was repaid shortly after.  Suddenly, since TS said it was fine to speak with me, they all came back into my life.  It was clear I was not to bring up what had happened.  TS was done, so let's pretend it didn't happen.  I felt a deep need to discuss what had happened to me....to us.  Nope.  Not allowed.  It damaged my relationship with my mother and I am not sure that we will ever have the same relationship we had.

So here we are again.  I have cut all ties with TS.  My mom is still making excuses for how they treated me.  There is no validation of my feelings.  And I need to forgive her.  I know she is weak willed and abused by TS.  It does not make my heart hurt any less.  I desperately want to forgive her for her weakness and favoritism.  I try to spend time with her and not mention TS.  We are not allowed to speak of the elephant in the room.

The first step I am taking is to process this discovery.  I really never realized that I need to not only forgive the abuser, but the one who facilitated it due to tacit approval.  I do not want to lose my relationship with my mother.  I love her so much.  I need to focus on accepting her for who she is. She will never talk about any of what I have suffered and she will never take my side.  She will always make excuses for TS.  Indeed, TS has also abused our other sister in the same toxic manner.  Once I fully accept those things, I can really forgive.  Baby steps. 

Beginnings

 Why do people become toxic?  I have wondered for many years how my toxic sibling (TS) lost any sense of empathy with others.  TS does not have a single heathy relationship.  Looking at some of the research on toxic behaviors, there is one theme that resonates greatly.  Children who are never checked or punished for their behavior can become toxic.  This resonates with me because my TS was allowed to abuse me from literally the moment they saw me.  Here are some examples:

• When I came home from the hospital at birth TS walked up and punched me in the face.  My mother often tells that story.  Obviously, I do not remember it.  
• When I was about 4ish (TS is two years older) I was  running around screaming and arching my back.  My mother discovered that my entire back was covered with huge bite marks, some bleeding.  There was no punishment for TS doing this to me.
• At the age of 12 my parents went to a function one evening.  TS wanted me to do something (I honestly do not recall what) and when I refused, they pushed me through a glass door.  I still bear the scars.  I was at the hospital being stitched up when our parents came home and TS lied about what happened.  Said I was clumsy and fell.  My mom knew this was not true.  She let it slide.  There was never any punishment.
• In my high school years I was chubby.  TS was thin.  They would make fun of me about being "fat" in front of anyone and everyone.  I was constantly humiliated.  Mom did nothing.

The stories go on and on.  

As much as my mother is a sweet and wonderful person, she never protected me from TS.  Never.  My dad was military and often gone, but he did protect me when he was home.  His intervening caused problems with my mother who saw it as being mean to TS.  If she would have stepped up. perhaps TS could lead a happy life with healthy relationships.  I feel bad to sound like it is my mother's fault.  She did play a role.

Sadly, to this day my mother makes excuses for the toxic behavior.  TS is a bully to everyone, including my mom.  It is sad when you think about it.  A mother should protect all her children.  Unfortunately, my mother will continue making excuses.  She says things like "You stay upset but TS blows up and does mean things and is nice after that for a while."  Huh?  That is ok?  Blowing up in an instant without provocation is not good.  It is not healthy.  TS gets the rush of hurting someone and is pacified for a short time.  That is all.  It is constant and unending.  But apparently, I am the bad person to my mom for getting upset.  

How low can you go?

 A toxic person is tricky.  They present an image of being a nice person while sowing seeds of evil.  But how far will they sink in this mission to corrode the people around them?

In the case of my toxic sibling, I realize there just is no limit.  They will use anyone to target me.  Even my 13 year old granddaughter!  How appalling!  The reality is that there is no path for TS (toxic sibling) to get to me.  They are looking for allies to hurt me.  My daughter is also not allowing her child to get sucked into the drama.

The method of this TS is to begin a conversation with someone I know.  A friendly conversation.  TS then turns the conversation to how they were victimized and how I am a horrible sister and human, blah blah blah.  Those comments are hidden digs aimed to plant seeds of negativity.  If they are not cut off, TS will reach out to the person a few days later and add more negative comments and plant more divisive seeds.  And so it goes on.

I am one to overlook much.  After all, we are all human and make mistakes.  However, after 56 years of this TS and the drama, hurt, stress, and anxiety, I know I cannot let the little things slide.  They have to be addressed immediately, before TS can sow more negative and divisive seeds of hate and drama.

Standing strong in the storm

 One of the hardest things about cutting ties with a toxic sibling is that you miss them.  Toxic people are not mean and abusive 100% of the time.  You think about the good moments and set aside the bad.  They rely on that.  They can be super nice and charming.  They say they love you and will always love you....then they strike!

I have a kind and forgiving heart.  It is difficult to stay angry and stress can make me sad to the point of depression.  I tend to let a lot pass to keep the peace.  I think that makes me good target for an abusive family member.  It is interesting, if a non family member treated me this way, I would simply walk away and not look back.  We are conditioned to believe that the bonds of blood are impossible to break.  I am here to say that is NOT true.  Break those bonds and free yourself.

Given my willingness to forgive, I always allow my toxic sibling back in.  Then I get hurt and abused again and again.  I overlook the harsh treatment and cruel words.  There is never an apology for any of their behaviors,  Never.  This time I have to stay strong and never fall back into that trap.  That is, honestly, the hardest part.